Quantum blogging – and a milestone.

Quantum: minimal physical entity involved in an interaction.

It rather sums up how I feel about many things at the moment. As I was drifting around the Southbank, a sense of disquiet began to set in. I was approaching a milestone. Or rather, I was making every effort to stand still and the milestone was hurtling towards me. And then, the collision became inescapable: my birthday.



I’m long past the age when ticking off another year towards a “big birthday” was a novelty. I am over the “box change” hump (you know, when you fill in a questionnaire and you have to tick your age: 18-24, 25-34, 35-44 etc). But I have certainly been apprehensive about this birthday for some time. For as long as I remember, I have had this birthday fixed in my sights as a target, a cut-off point by which time I would have achieved certain things in my life. I can’t really remember why the pre-teen blueprint of the woman I am now picked this age; I think it just seemed far away enough never to actually happen.



I still have the list though, and reading it is bittersweet. Surreal though it seems, I can tick off every one of the things on that list. There are countries to travel, exams to pass, foods to try, people to visit, a career path to be forged and various whims and desires. Tweenie me was a single minded individual, probably a bit more precocious than ought to have been acceptable – and she was on a mission. Despite having achieved all of the things that I dreamed of as an eleven year old, what strikes me now is not what I have done but what is still left to do, and how quickly time conspires against us.



I do not feel at all as “grown up” as I thought I would feel at this age – and I’m sure this is no bad thing! But I feel many, many years older than I did this time last year and it is becoming increasingly clear that the past twelve months fully intend taking their toll on my mind and soul as well as my body. As I became aware of the reality and complexity (if not fully the longevity) of my illness, I set myself a goal: to be back to “normal”, whatever that may be, by today. This was a secret pact I made with myself last spring; the targets set by my medical team at the time have been extended over and over like a trusty library book. After each setback I re-energised myself with the target of feeling like myself again by today. Finally, last week, I accepted it wasn’t going to happen. Since then, I have found myself disengaging somewhat with the bustle around me.



My work is physically and mentally demanding. Over the past week it has taken every ounce of my energy to meet those demands. This is not a particularly unusual situation in medicine, and as time passes I find that it is easier to handle. I am no longer scared by how draining this can be and I know that with focus – and necessary relaxation – it will ease. But I have little energy in reserve to engage meaningfully with the blogosphere and I apologise for the “quantum blogging” this week.



On a more positive note, I have a nice bundle of foodie posts up my sleeve for the coming weeks – and a few “home improvements” for the blog itself – so watch this space!